Meet John:

He's 29, has blue eyes, and enjoys grooming his beard. Unruly facial hair isn't the only thing John chops down though, oh no, left-handed batters are no match for this man. You see, John was abused in his previous relationship, so much so that he actually had to undergo surgery last year to repair his arm. The Rangers improperly utilized Rheinecker as starter. In 121 career innings John has faced 151 left-handed batters, and they've hit only .213/.287/.294 off of him. Righties meanwhile hit for a .967 OPS.John has also recorded nearly 60% groundballs despite being battered versus righties, that with a mid-to-upper 80's fastball, slider, curve, and change-up. John's just looking for another chance at love. Don't we have it in our hearts to hug him, and spend 600k on him as a non-roster invitee? Plus look at that beard! He spits grit.

Reasons for Rheinecker:

- Cheap.

- Effective.

- Looks like bear.

- Does not pitch like bear.

Reasons for not-Rheinecker:

- Potentially still hurt.

- Looks like bear.

- Fur, while baller, does not increase velocity. (DaveH33 trademarked)