Super Models Don't Drink Colt .45

[May 13th, 2009. Baltimore, Maryland. Camden Yards.]

[Troy Percival has just surrendered 3 runs to allow the Orioles back into the game. Carlos Pena, Jason Bartlett and others trot to the mound as Manager Joe Maddon makes his way over to relieve Percival.]

Percival [to Pena and company]: .... so the bartender says, he says, “Percy, how do you like your scotch?" And I says to him, you'll never believe this; you'll never believe what I says to him, he says, he says, “Percy, how do you like your scotch?" How do I like my scotch, right? So, listen, I says to the guy, I say to him, I says, you're never gonna believe this, I says to the guy: BY THE QUART. Am I right?

[No one laughs. Let's Go O reverberates through Camden Yards.]

Maddon: Time to call it a day, Percy.

Percival: [opens up a can of Natty Ice] This is bullshit, Joe. I'm just getting warmed up. My arm feels better than it has in two years.

Maddon: Hand over the ball, Troy.

Percival: [lets loose a thunderous fart, belches] Take your pussy clamp off, Joe. I'm just lurin' 'em into a false sense of hittability.

Pena: That smells terrible, mang.

Percival:  I'm the closer! You can't take me out! Who are you warming up? Fucking Howell? That bum doesn't have the grit to finish this game! You see these hands? They were forged from the timber and steel.

Maddon: You're blowing a 5 run lead.

Percival: [crumples Natty Light can, lights up a Marlboro Red] 5 run leads are for cocksuckers, Joe. I'm too grizzled to pitch in anything other than a save situation. This is beneath me!

Maddon: Troy, I'm not sure you're capable of saving a game anymore.

Percival: Oh, that's a Burrell-sized load of tampon jizz. I can save any situation! What about the time I volunteered as a firefighter and saved that baby? Dropped him right down from the third floor to safety, you remember? Used my curveball grip on that little guy.

Maddon: He missed the safety net by eight feet.

Percy: Well, what about the time I talked those footballin' kids outta getting a GPS tracker? Sure saved that situation, didn't I?

Maddon: Three of them died after being stranded in the water.

Percy: [puts his hand on Maddon's shoulder] Joe, I'm gonna go get some wood, some nails, and a hammer. Then I'm gonna build a coffin to put your mother in after I fuck her to death.