Before I begin, thanks to everyone who helped me edit for clarity and the rhyme scheme. It's a long read, but I hope you find it worth it. Now, for the benefit of Mr. Kite, please enjoy How the Grinch Stole Our Payroll.
Every Ray down in Rayville Liked the Playoffs a lot. But the Grinch, who lived just west of Rayville, Did NOT! The Grinch hated the Playoffs! The whole playoff season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his back was too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his balls were two sizes too small. But, whatever the reason, his back or his balls, He stood there on Playoffs Eve, hating the Rays mere gall. Staring down from his house in California with a sour, Grinchy frown at the warm lighted windows in the tiny Rayville town at such a late hour. For he knew every Ray down in Rayville beneath was busy now, rosterbating all day and night. And they're scouting other teams!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is the Playoffs! They're practically here!"; Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, I MUST find some way to stop them from going at all! For, tomorrow, he knew, all the Ray girls and boys would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their computers and check DRaysBay! And then! "Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!"
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Rays, young and old, would sit down to the game. And they'd cheer! And they'd cheer! And they'd CHEER! They would cheer on their team, and their newest acquisition, which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least! And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Ray down in Rayville, the tall and the small, would stand close together, with cowbells ringing. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Rays would start winning! They'd win! And they'd win! And they'd WIN!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Rays and their winning, the more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop these Playoffs from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" the Grinch laughed in his tum. And he started to blow games, and still get paid his awful sum. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick! If I suck this bad, I’ll get DL’d right quick! All I need is a few homeruns." The Grinch looked around. But, since homeruns are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said, "If I can't find a few homeruns, I'll throw softballs instead!"
So the next time he was called to pitch in a game. He started to pitch as if he was quite lame. He sucked! And he sucked! And he sucked AND HE SUCKED! The team had no choice. They sent him back home. He was sucking so much, he took the air from their dome.
All their windows were dark in the quiet Rayville Square. All the Rays were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. When he came to the first little house on the square, "This is stop number one", the old Grinchy Claus hissed. And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch. But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue where the little Ray trade deadline wishlists all hung in a row. "These rosterbations", he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, around the whole city, and he took every dream of a player! Halladay! Vmart! Cliff Lee! Clement! King Felix! Qualls! Gonzalez and Salty! And he stuffed them all in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly, stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!
Then he slunk to the payroll. He took the Rays money! He took the 4 million! When he didn’t do shit! He cleaned out that payroll as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch even took his shitty car back! Then he stuffed all their money up the chimney with glee. "And NOW!", grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up their dreams!" And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove, when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Ray!
It was Joeybw, who was not more than two. The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Ray child who'd only got out of bed for a cup of cold water. He stared at the Grinch and said, "Troy Percival, why? Why are you taking our payroll? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick. He thought up a lie, he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot", the silly Grinch lied, "I’m a team player, and I can come back in a week. My back is all healed, and I’ll set you all on a huge winning streak!"
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head and got him a drink and he sent him to bed, because he was so tired. And when Joeybw went to bed with his cup, The Grinch went to the chimney and stuffed the dreams up!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old bint. In their wallets he left nothing but dust and some lint. And the one speck of payroll that he left in the house was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
It was quarter past the trade deadline, all the Rays, still a-bed, all the Rays, still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled. Packed it up with their payroll!
The awards! The wins! The tickets! And the FrankTV! The hopes! The dreams! Five thousand miles west! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit, he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "Nay-Nay to the Rays!", he was grinch-ish-ly humming, "They're finding out now that no playoffs are coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two then the Rays down in Rayville will all cry Boo-Hoo! That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow. But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Rayville! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Ray down in Rayville, the tall and the small, was cheering! Without any new players at all! He HADN'T stopped the playoffs from coming! They came! Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so? It came without VMart! It came without Cliff Lee! It came without a new catcher, a hitter or me!" And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe the Playoffs," he thought, "don't come from a store. Maybe the Playoffs...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Rayville they say that the Grinch's small balls grew three sizes that day! And the minute his back didn't feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light. And he brought back the dreams! And the payroll for the team! And he... HE HIMSELF...!
Finally retired so we don’t have to pay him anymore.
This post was written by a member of the DRaysBay community and does not necessarily express the views or opinions of DRaysBay staff.