I propose a new Sabremetric: Value Over Pat Burrell. This statistic would assign a utilitarian value over paying 9 million dollars to a guy who bats worse than people missing limbs and chromosomes. The utilitarian value would be completely arbitrary and impossible to compare making it better than most stats reported on this site. Some examples might be:
1. Getting kicked in the nuts, shattering a testicle - VOPB - 2.0 - This particular injury will garner you the sympathy of the male members of the human species, and sympathy and perhaps curiosity from females, thus resulting in a net value over the substantial pain and medical cost of treatment for this type of injury. This of course yields 2 utilitarian units more than paying that useless sack of crap Pat Burrell 9 million dollars to stand there and watch strikes pass him by while dreaming of the time he banged britney spears.
2. Losing a winning lottery ticket - (less than 9 million in value) - 1.0 - Believe it or not it is actually 1 utilitarian point better to lose a winning lottery ticket than to pay 9 million for Pat Burrell to imitiate a tball player at the plate. You know you actually won something of value when you determined the ticket to be a winner. Friedman believed he was getting something of value when he signed Pat Burrell, but we all know that has been a gigantic waste of time. Sure the dejection of knowing you've misplaced the ticket hurts, but you only suffer it once while Rays fan must watch this human excrement at least 3 times a night, on average 5 times a week for the next 6 months.
3. Giving your life savings to Bernie Maddoff - 3.2 - You will net 3.2 utilitarian points more in life by giving everything you have to Bernie Maddoff instead of paying a baseball parasite like Pat Burrell 9 million dollars to pick his nose like a drooling mongoloid at the plate. Again, the reasoning is similar to losing the lottery ticket. You've given the money to Bernie Maddoff on the promise he would make you rich, and then watched in silent disgust as he was sent to die in prison. That money is long gone and you know it. Pat Burrell, however, will continue to remind you how much you wasted on his ridiculous contract for the remainder of the season, while you simultaneously worry how you will keep Carl Crawford, whose VOPB cannot be measured due to the assymptotic nature of such a graph.
This post sure sounded funnier in my head and I will likely come across better when i call rich herrera to remind him of this new sabremetric after every subsequent game. But keep in mind reading crappy posts on the internet is substantially better than paying 9 million for pat burrell to collect dust at the plate because at least reading posts takes effort, which Pat Burrell hasn't shown in about 16 months.