You Ask Johnson for Help Disposing of Longo's Body

"Elliot, come here.  I've got a job for you.  Do you know how to get rid of a body?"

Elliot Johnson breaks from his blank stare and walks over.

"Yes, sir!  Just give me a chance, skip. I won't let you down."

You smile and reply, "Great, son.  I'm going to go get my corkscrew, you go get the pitching machine and then start on his legs."

The work is hard, but ultimately rewarding.  You realize, as you watch the young utility player sawing through Longoria's tibia, that Johnson has a lot to offer the big club.

Later, as your 250 HP, center console boat sways gently on the bay, you feel the warm Tampa breeze blowing against your face.  You take another look at Super-Utility Specialist Elliot Johnson with his pale, sweaty skin reflected in the moonlight, and then it hits you: you just killed Evan Longoria, the future of the Rays Franchise.

As you weep, Johnson comforts you with an arm around your shoulder.

"Don't worry, coach.  I'll play third base."

"That's sweet of you, Elliot, but you're just a utility player."

"I have a secret to reveal, Joe.  You know me as Super-Utility Specialist Elliot Johnson,  but I'm really known as Johnson, Elliot, Super-Utility Specialist!"

With that statement, Johnson lifts the two garbage bags filled with Longoria's remains and steps out onto the water.  He glides across the water's surface and drops the bags with a splash.  Longoria's remains sink slowly to the bottom of the bay.   Like a long sigh, they finally come to rest...next to a long lost New Era Tampa Bay Rays cap.  Rest in Peace, Evan.

Still standing on the water's surface, Johnson turns back to you with an aura of holiness and says,

"Put me in, coach.  I'm ready to play."

Months Later

The crowd roars as Johnson cracks a game-winning grand slam of Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay.  It's game four of the 2011 World Series and Johnson has singlehandedly given the Rays the sweep.  He's only played at the big league level for a year and already he's the greatest player of all time.  Books will be written about him... or maybe they already have.

The Rays have won the World Series!

As you bask in the warm glow of a World Championship, you take a moment to look back on your life and think:

What could I have done differently?

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