... your horrible deformity has a basis in science!
"Men once had penile spines like those found on chimpanzees, monkeys and mice, according to a study. Losing the spines has allowed man to enjoy longer lasting sexual intercourse, unlike other primates who still have theirs, scientists believe. It may also have aided the evolution of monogamous partnerships. If humans still had these elements of DNA, they might not only possess spiny penises but whiskers too, researchers said."