This is going to be a tough one fellas, the slate of candidates to dethrone the "Czar of Islam" is varied and deep. Who should we get behind? The picture didn't get any clearer after the debate last night. Lets take a look at some of the people running and we assume running and we can work this out.
Mitt Romney: Pros: Square Jaw, Business Savvy, like an older Jon Hamm. Cons: Mormon, gross!
Newt Gingrich: Pros: Like the daddy of Republicans, proven leader, certainly hates all of the minority groups that we do. Cons: Catholic, gross!
Tim Pawlenty: Pros: Super religious! Super white! From a blue state. Cons: Basically Mike Huckabee without charisma.
Sarah Palin: Pros: Not too smarty pants. 40 to 60 year old white males want to do her, bloodlust. Cons: Presidency will distract from public speaking, book writing, and television.
Michelle Bachmann: Pros: Cannot be accused of overthinking any issue, Tea Party Express! 40 to 60 year old white males want to do her. Cons: Sometimes I look at her eyes and I see nothing behind them. Possible plant by Satan to disrupt God's Mission for America.
Ron Paul: Pros: He's like your smart grampa. Wants to eliminate all government and have us fight for our food with pointed sticks. Gold standard! Cons: Wants to legalize heroin, being gay. Wears reeboks all the time.
Rick Santorum: Pros: Devote. Man of faith. God fearing. Loves Jesus. Cons: Potential First Family?
Herman Cain: Pros: Has all the experience necessary to become president thanks to facing the tough challenges as CEO of a down market pizza chain found in gas stations. Cons: Possibly a welfare recipient, pimp, or dope peddler.
Gary Johnson: Pros: lol Cons: lol
Haley Barbour: Pros: Wants to bring our country back to the most perfect time and place in its history - the antebellum South. Cons: May die of heart attack while president. We need to research what the statute of limitations on vigilante lynchings is. If it's less than 40 years, we're good.
Donald Trump: Pros: Entrepreneur, ladies man, popular, well spoken, serious. Cons: Possibly paid for hundreds of abortions. From New York, so may have touched a gay.
Mike Huckabee: Pros: Aw-shucks southern preacher man that all of us grew up with and who taught us to hate those different from us. Cons: Potential First Family? (note: dog pictured has since been tortured to death by sons, so may need a new first dog)