clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

GDT: Happy 4th of July! Let's celebrate with it Derek Shelton.

I'm on a cruise, and I'm going to miss the game 'cause there's no internet. At this point we're passing international waters, so if you'll excuse me, they're about to release the bald eagles and hand out the hunting rifles and we're gonna have ourselves a special 4th of July dinner.


Which one of you people did this on Derek Shelton's Wikipedia page?

Major league coaching career[edit]

After spending five seasons as the hitting coach for the Cleveland Indians, he accepted a job with the Tampa Bay Rays at the same position after the 2009 season, which he has served in to date. Shelton is famous for revolutionizing the "Tough Break" offense with the Tampa Bay Rays.[1]

oh my god you guys you cant make me laugh like that while im eating bald eagle

Here are some corrections I thought we could add. They are long and dumb.

Major league coaching career[can't possibly edit this, man]

After spending five seasons as the "hitting" coach for the Cleveland Indians, he accepted a job with the Tampa Bay Rays at the same position after the 2009 season, after accidentally acquiring some compromising pictures of Matt Silverman and Alex Anthopoulos in Caracas, Mexico. Shelton is notable for pioneering the "Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Score Runs" Offense.

A devout Calvinist, Shelton believes in predestination. He considers any attempt to improve one's hitting to be not only futile, but also an affront to God.

"If the LORD wanted us to hit a baseball 450 feet, he'd have birthed us with wooden arms and a suit of armor for skin," Shelton was recently quoted as saying at a local Hess station bathroom. When it was pointed out to him that the question he had been asked was regarding his favorite way to unwind on off-days, Shelton responded by flaring his nostrils, unhinging his jaw, and swallowing the reporter whole.

As a sort of pregame ritual, Shelton is known to eat three to five cheese sandwiches, and enjoys snacking on the creamy white parts of Oreos and putting the unfinished black cookies back into the box. Shelton typically spends the hour before the game in the locker room reading aloud from 1001 Jokes to Tickle Your Ribcage, Funny Bone, and/or Solar Plexus, a jokebook targeted at elementary school students and patients recovering from severe concussions while the rest of the team takes batting practice.

"I remember when [former Ray Fernando] Perez got called up, he made the mistake of asking Shelty a question about his follow-through in the middle of his 'jokey times,' as he likes to call it," said former Ray Jeff Niemann.

"Shelty got this wide-eyed, almost feral lookin' look on his face and locked eyes with Perez. It was just us three in the locker room at the time, and I'm lucky he didn't spot me. I can't remember much after that but thinkin' back on it, I'm pretty sure the lights started to flicker, but only in that part of the room. I felt a sudden...coolness, but not like from a fan or nothin'. More like an absence of warmth. Felt like somethin' was sucking the life out of the room. After an eternity, yet no time at all, I passed out. When I came to Shelty had vanished and Perez was standing right where he had been, but his hair was ghost-white." After the interview, Niemann returned to staring out his hotel window at a nearby Little League game and running his fingers gingerly across his right shoulder, mumbling something about green lights.

Shelton was recently signed to a 7 year/$30 million extension. When asked to comment on his recent extension, Shelton merely sent back a set of coordinates scrawled on a sauce-stained Hooters napkin.