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GDT: Baseball writers are all lazy and incompetent

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Today's Narrative: Two players from opposing teams that were traded for one another start against each other tonight. Hoo boy I sure wonder what we're gonna talk about afterwards. Any idiot could recap this game. Good luck "writing" it tonight, loser. I'm sure it'll be a big challenge for you.

Mike Carlson

ST. PETERSBURG, FL--Jake Odorizzi, the centerpiece of a 2012 blockbuster trade with the Kansas City Royals, will start against former Ray James Shields, the pitcher for whom he was dealt. Odorizzi (4-7, 4,18) has lackluster traditional numbers but his peripherals have been at an all-time best, and appears to be just the sort of perennial All-Star that the Rays were expecting when they acquired him. When asked about tonight's matchup, Odorizzi said:

This is absolutely the biggest game I've ever pitched in. I'm so blessed to be here with this organization pitching in meaningful games in July. I want you all to know that I'm taking tonight's game very seriously, as I am fully aware of who will be on the mound when I'm not on it. You can count on me to carry this team to victory.

God what a great guy. Jake (he asked us to call him Jake) then set down the box he had been carrying throughout the interview and started handing out caramel-colored puppies with candy-cane collars to each reporter. In this reporter's eyes, it's safe to say the he is the one of the greatest baseball players to ever play the game, and certainly the greatest human being alive today.

Poll

Who is your favorite player in the Shields-Odorizzi trade?

This poll is closed

  • 23%
    Jake Odorizzi
    (15 votes)
  • 14%
    Mike Montgomery
    (9 votes)
  • 9%
    Patrick Leonard
    (6 votes)
  • 52%
    A salad bowl full of wild, unkempt hair
    (33 votes)
63 votes total Vote Now