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Rangers 3, Rays 2: Tampa Bay walks off against the worst team in baseball

I wrote this on Windows 98

Jim Cowsert-USA TODAY Sports

Tonight's recap will consist solely of bullet points. For reasons that baffle even me, my regular work laptop was destroyed by a never-ending procession of cars. I don't have footage of what happened by I have the next best thing:


In this re-imagining the girl is my laptop.

Look I know this doesn't make sense but I didn't have to patience to search for GIFs not already saved on this computer. This thing works So. Freaking. Slow. Slower than this maze. Plus, this is a terrible recap for a terrible game. Don't read it.


  • So today makes two straight solid outings for Hellickson. Although he benefited from some fine defensive plays (like this double play in the third) he still pitched 6 innings of shutout baseball, allowing only 1 walk and collected 6 K's. In that very inning, he didn't throw a single ball. Is it too early to say that Hellboy is back? Yes it is but that won't stop me from repeating it loudly.
  • The Rays offense didn't get a hit until the fifth (thank you Based S-Rod), even though they didn't score until the sixth (why, Based S-Rod?) thanks to a ton of triples. Jennings tripled to lead off the inning and was driven in by Zobrist for the game's first run. Matt Joyce then tripled on a ball that bounced away from the right fielder and came home on an error by Rougned Odor, the youngest player in the MLB. Those two facts aren't connected; I just think that's really cool.


  • What happens when Wil Myers comes off his rehab assignment? For real, now that the date is rapidly approaching and not just some ambiguous "whenever" in the distant future? I mean, I know he'll be here around the time rosters expand, but I mean who will get less playing time? Some folks seem to think Jennings will draw the short straw but I doubt that. It sure won't be Kevin Kiermaier, who as we all know has been playing with his hair on fire. Even when he goes 0-for he's valuable. A couple days ago he made it to first on a strikeout because everyone seemed to think it was a walk, and by the time they realized it wasn't he was chatting it up with Anthony Rizzo. Today, in the seventh he stopped the go-ahead run from scoring with a laser beam throw from shallow right field (couples with a nice tag by Molina). In the tenth he laid down a sac bunt but ended up on first because of his speed. In the bottom of the same inning he doubles up the runner on first after a review. Achievements are just starting to pile up, with regular consistency.
  • Speaking of the tenth inning, someone needs to teach Desmond Jennings how to bunt. I mean, sure, he can make clutch running grabs like nobody's business but that's hardly my point. A lead-off hit by Jose Molina usually means that fate is on your side, and KK's sac bunt/forced error put runners on first and second with no outs. Up steps Jennings, who-first pitch-pops up a bunt that luckily made it out of play, and strikes out while trying to bunt with two strikes on a ball by his eyes. Zobrist's replay-assisted double play put the nail in the coffin for this scoring opportunity.


  • In the fourteenth, after 12 Rays had been retired in a row, Longoria legged out a double with one out. The next two batters swung at the first pitches and both flew out. There's a hole in the drywall beside my television at this point.
  • Presented without further commentary: the Rays went 1-2-3 in the eleventh on four pitches.


  • The Rays lost on a Cesar Ramos walk-off walk. A walk-off walk. There's, like, a whole website dedicated to this.
  • Day 69: The noises have not been dying out like the scripture has promised. If anything, they seem to be getting closer at night. Even in the harsh light of morn' I can still hear them at the back of my mind, although I am no longer sure if those are all in my head. I'm slowly running out of provisions and am having no luck finding anything of value in a jungle. When my head starts to swim I think of Ophelia and it pushes back the tidal wave of madness. But waves don't rest for long, and my mind is eroding.


  • milk
  • butter
  • ramen
  • diet dr. pepper
  • No one is reading this recap at this point. Everyone is asleep. Plus, why would you even read a recap for a game as awful as this? I'm all alone here.
  • Oh God. I'm all alone here! I can do anything I want! The freedom...the insurmountable, unequivocal freedom! It's staggering! I can do anything I want! The whole website is my playpen! I have all most of the power of the World Wide Web, limited only by these shackles of an operating system. I can do anything I want!


We always come back to cat GIFs.