Rangers 3, Rays 2: Tampa Bay walks off against the worst team in baseball

Tonight's recap will consist solely of bullet points. For reasons that baffle even me, my regular work laptop was destroyed by a never-ending procession of cars. I don't have footage of what happened by I have the next best thing:

In this re-imagining the girl is my laptop.

Look I know this doesn't make sense but I didn't have to patience to search for GIFs not already saved on this computer. This thing works So. Freaking. Slow. Slower than this maze. Plus, this is a terrible recap for a terrible game. Don't read it.

• So today makes two straight solid outings for Hellickson. Although he benefited from some fine defensive plays (like this double play in the third) he still pitched 6 innings of shutout baseball, allowing only 1 walk and collected 6 K's. In that very inning, he didn't throw a single ball. Is it too early to say that Hellboy is back? Yes it is but that won't stop me from repeating it loudly.
• The Rays offense didn't get a hit until the fifth (thank you Based S-Rod), even though they didn't score until the sixth (why, Based S-Rod?) thanks to a ton of triples. Jennings tripled to lead off the inning and was driven in by Zobrist for the game's first run. Matt Joyce then tripled on a ball that bounced away from the right fielder and came home on an error by Rougned Odor, the youngest player in the MLB. Those two facts aren't connected; I just think that's really cool.

• What happens when Wil Myers comes off his rehab assignment? For real, now that the date is rapidly approaching and not just some ambiguous "whenever" in the distant future? I mean, I know he'll be here around the time rosters expand, but I mean who will get less playing time? Some folks seem to think Jennings will draw the short straw but I doubt that. It sure won't be Kevin Kiermaier, who as we all know has been playing with his hair on fire. Even when he goes 0-for he's valuable. A couple days ago he made it to first on a strikeout because everyone seemed to think it was a walk, and by the time they realized it wasn't he was chatting it up with Anthony Rizzo. Today, in the seventh he stopped the go-ahead run from scoring with a laser beam throw from shallow right field (couples with a nice tag by Molina). In the tenth he laid down a sac bunt but ended up on first because of his speed. In the bottom of the same inning he doubles up the runner on first after a review. Achievements are just starting to pile up, with regular consistency.

• Speaking of the tenth inning, someone needs to teach Desmond Jennings how to bunt. I mean, sure, he can make clutch running grabs like nobody's business but that's hardly my point. A lead-off hit by Jose Molina usually means that fate is on your side, and KK's sac bunt/forced error put runners on first and second with no outs. Up steps Jennings, who-first pitch-pops up a bunt that luckily made it out of play, and strikes out while trying to bunt with two strikes on a ball by his eyes. Zobrist's replay-assisted double play put the nail in the coffin for this scoring opportunity.

• In the fourteenth, after 12 Rays had been retired in a row, Longoria legged out a double with one out. The next two batters swung at the first pitches and both flew out. There's a hole in the drywall beside my television at this point.
• Presented without further commentary: the Rays went 1-2-3 in the eleventh on four pitches.

• The Rays lost on a Cesar Ramos walk-off walk. A walk-off walk. There's, like, a whole website dedicated to this.
• Day 69: The noises have not been dying out like the scripture has promised. If anything, they seem to be getting closer at night. Even in the harsh light of morn' I can still hear them at the back of my mind, although I am no longer sure if those are all in my head. I'm slowly running out of provisions and am having no luck finding anything of value in a jungle. When my head starts to swim I think of Ophelia and it pushes back the tidal wave of madness. But waves don't rest for long, and my mind is eroding.

• milk
• butter
• ramen
• diet dr. pepper
• No one is reading this recap at this point. Everyone is asleep. Plus, why would you even read a recap for a game as awful as this? I'm all alone here.
• Oh God. I'm all alone here! I can do anything I want! The freedom...the insurmountable, unequivocal freedom! It's staggering! I can do anything I want! The whole website is my playpen! I have all most of the power of the World Wide Web, limited only by these shackles of an operating system. I can do anything I want!

We always come back to cat GIFs.