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Tampa Bay Rays Official Fan Holiday Shopping Guide

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What to buy...and what not to buy.

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Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

It's that time of the year, when the Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us, then quickly scored some cool gifts. And ever since, we've been trying to figure out how not to end up being the dude who brought myrrh to the birthday party. Well, you're in luck, because I scoured no less than 100 pages of Amazon gifts to cull this list for you and help you avoid a Balthazarization.

We'll be eschewing Rays tickets here (like all good Rays fans do, although I recommend the Flex Pack for the novice), as well as jerseys and shirtsy and caps, since y'all know all about them. Though if you have your heart set on something more traditional, might I suggest a Biscuit cap? I got a Monty pennant from my secret Santa last year, and it's still hanging on my cubical wall.

Onward to the gifts!

Cool Cheap Gift

Tampa Bay Rays/#1 Dad Coffee Mug

You simply cannot go wrong with a classic like this. Unless you're buying it for yourself, because that's just sad.

And it's under $10! Show Dad you care, and that you know the value of a dollar.

Reserved Parking Sign

Won't your buddy look cool with this stuck at the top of his driveway?

Bonus points if he puts it in a space then refuses to park there because the Rays don't have any fans.

Not-Cool Cheap Gift

Knit Drink ... um .. cooler?

Whatever you do, don't get this.

I know it's cheap, but seriously. Why is putting a sock around your beer even a thing? And how is that supposed to keep your drink cool? Plus, when the drink sweats, the sock would get all damp. Just dumb. Don't do it.

Speaking of Drinking...

The above notwithstanding, it's really hard to go wrong with a beverage-related sports gift. And there are loads of them in the low-to-mid priced range. You got your shot glasses, your rocks glasses, your wine bottle & cork screw set, and even your wall bottle opener. But for my money, nothing beats a flask.

Simultaneously classy and trashy, functional and decorative, the Rays flask is a perfect gift for the fan who likes a little something extra in her Coke.

A Little Cheese With Your Whine?

I don't know why you'd buy this.

Perhaps left over from the Merlot Joe days?

For the Man/Woman of Leisure

You're not a drinker, or a dad? That's okay, we still have some stuff for you.

DeWayne's Book!

I've been meaning to buy this since it came out this summer. Sadly, it's not on Kindle, but you can get it in paperback now.

I Don't Often Hate, but When I Do I Prefer the Yankees & Red Sox

Stay victorious, my friends.

For the golfer in your family.

Because the only thing more frustrating than being a baseball fan is playing golf.

Puzzles!

For the Man/Woman of Leisure with More Money than Sense

I would never recommend buying any of these for yourself. But if you did happen to buy one of these for me as a gift, I would totally use the snot out of it.

Dart Board!

$175!

Varsity Jacket!

$400!!

Recliner!

$800!!!

Pool Table? POOL TABLE!!!

$2,950!!!!

Not Even on a Bet

I love the Rays, but this will never hang from window.

Especially not for $600.

Jewelry?

This just seems like a terrible idea.

Earrings that are both tacky and expensive? Yes, give me more of these $230 14K gold treasures. I'm sure that will impress the wife. (This will not impress the wife.)

And That's It

That's all I have for you. Happy shopping, and thanks everybody for stimulating the economy!