It's almost Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day!
Look, if you're anything like me, the V-day gifts for your special someone have already been bought and paid for. I like to stay ahead of the game. My Ethel M chocolates and cut roses have been sitting in my fridge since the first week of January, because I like to think ahead. January roses are a market inefficiency.
That said, I recognize some people wait until the last minute to do these things. While my first instinct is to label those folks little better than blind, mewling sub-humanoids little better than the dirt and garbage they eat, the spirit of St. Valentine's tells me to not be so judgmental, if accurate.
Instead, I've seen fit to supply you all with 6 professionally made, custom Tampa Bay Rays Valentine's Day cards on this most important of days. These are 99% guaranteed to please any boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, or if you're a member of that Lonely Hearts' Club I've heard The Beatles sing about, make a compatible significant other of your preferred gender appear out of thin air. What times we live in!
I would recommend using these above cards if the individual you are attempting to court frequents this site. If you do happen to gift this to another member of the community, please say who in the comments, because I will need to update my DRB fan-fiction I've been working on ever since someone said my game recaps were too long. 'Shipping is serious business.
Plus, I need to know the optimum seating chart for the tea parties I have for the dolls with all of your faces on them. Or, at least, what I imagine you all look like. Moving on.
These two are part of the "Handsome Players Doing Whatever" series. Honestly it's not hard to find a picture of Evan Longoria at Ducky's, since he's there all the time, working in the kitchen I assume. Maybe new manager Kevin Cash will have something to say about that, but as long as my jalapeno poppers come out crispy who am I to complain?
I seriously could have made about 18 more of these Kevin Kiermaier V-Day cards but after typing in "Kevin Kiermaier shirtless" into Google a couple hundred times my laptop started to get worried for me, and blocked the rest of my searches. Anyway I was able to get my hands on an actual Tinder profile for Kiermaier, which is how Indiana Jones must have felt when he finally saw the Ark of the Covenant. Hey did you all know that it's called "Tinder" because you get a "match?" I didn't know this, probably because I'm still using MySpace to talk to my friends. It's all gonna come back around, you'll see.
Well, I hope that you enjoyed these incredibly detailed and well-thought-out cards I made just for you, yes you. I'm going to go spend V-Day with my girlfriend who you totally don't know because she goes to another school. In Canada. Shut up Greg she is too real.