Bar Bets

What Your Jersey/Shirtsy Says About You

"Judge not, lest ye be judged." So says the Good Book. But who's got time for that at a baseball game? Here's how to pigeonhole the people around you by their wardrobe.

By John Ford@kingofchapter1 Apr 1, 2015, 3:00pm EDT

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Most people put at least some thought into which player's jersey they purchase. It's a favorite player, or if it's a throwback jersey, the era has some nice memories. (Or maybe rainbow complements your hair color? We're not here to judge. Well, not about that anyway).

You know what most people won't put a lot of thought into? What signals that choice will give off to the fans around them. But fear not! We at DRB have kindly done your thinking for you. So whether you are looking to order an Authentic MLB Jersey, or you're just struggling over which Rays shirtsy to pick up at WalMart (Ha! Like they carry anything other than Longo tees), please peruse this handy reference guide first and save yourself from some awkward situations.

Original Rainbow:

via sportslogos.net

McGriff (29)

This dude is super cool. Confident yet laid back, unassuming yet secure in himself, he's pretty sure he's a Hall of Fame fan even if you aren't quite as sure, and he's okay with that. He doesn't have to convince you. He's been watching this game for a long time, and he figures you'll catch up sooner or later. Or you won't. In which case, he's glad he didn't waste his time arguing with you instead of enjoying the ballgame. Bonus points if he's been rocking the Rainbow since Opening Day 1998 and didn't just buy this off Amazon.

Boggs (12)

There is no denying this fan's passion. It's just, he goes a little overboard with the superstitions, ya know? I mean, we all like to pretend the things we do as fans matter, but this guy really believes it, and he's willing to start a fight over it. Well, not a fight. But a loud, slurred shouting match in some foreign sounding tongue where they don't say the letter "R." But overall, this guy is pretty okay to hang out with, at least when the team is winning. Except when the Red Sox are in town. Then this guy needs to be avoided, for obvious reasons.

Stocker (19)

Worn only for ironic reasons; therefore, wearer is obviously a hipster jackass.

The Ones With The Green

via sportslogos.net

Kazmir (19)

This guy is a blast to be around. He has all the talent in the world to be a world class fan: great lungs, huge hands for clapping, stamina out the wazoo, impeccable timing and wit for shouting out zingers for the audience at home. But the more time you spend with him, the more you wonder if he loves being at the game more than he love cheering on his team. You suspect that if he doesn't get serious soon, he will waste his best years on beer and peanuts and crackerjacks. (That said, if you happen to be taking a road trip to where "crackerjacks" are legal, definitely give this guy a call.) Bonus points for the green shirt under the white vest, which was the sexiest Rays uni ever.

Lugo (23)

That the #23 is ironed on to a wife-beater under-shirt should be all the tip-off you need. Avoid.

Baldelli (5)

I bet you were expecting the easy "this is the guy asleep by the seventh inning" joke. Well, we at DRB are not interested in your low hanging fruit. Besides, everyone knows Rocco fan is asleep by the third.

Grieve (18)

You want to like this guy, because you've heard good things about him. He seems like he has a good heart, and he's trying hard. And you've always told yourself that all you ask is for guys to hustle. But Grieve jersey dude just makes everybody sad. It's not his fault, he's just...um...I''m just gonna...hey, Scott!

Gomes (31)

This guy has your back, no matter what. Even when he probably shouldn't. Wanna make a move on the hot chick in Section 127? The one in the Kaz shirtsy? And you need a wingman? Gomes fan is your guy. Some drunk Boggs jackoff up in your grill? Need backup? Look no further. "Accidentally" push the Boggs dude off the escalator? Need to hide the body? He's there, man. Oh, wait, the Boggs dude isn't actually dead? Well, it's a good thing for you that Gomes fan brought this tire iron with him, isn't it?

Camp (22) / Glover (47) / Fossum (15) / Stokes (41)

Fan of tire fires. Avoid.

Tampa Bay Rays

via sportslogos.net

Longoria (3)

Former jock and frat boy, now family man and restaurateur. Immortalized in the first verse of Springsteen's "Glory Days."

Navarro (30)

One of the most useful jerseys in the park, use this guy to easily identify the slow line at the concession stands.

Crawford (13)

He's the quiet guy you used to have a real fondness for. Then he started talking, and it was like, "uh, dude, shut up, you sound like an idiot." But it's like, now that genie is out of bottle, there is no going back. He can't stop saying dumb things. And it's gotten past the point where you're mad about it. It's kinda funny now. Sad, but funny.

Kiermaier (39)

Big fan of hustle and/or blue eyes, and possibly a well-worn pair of jeans.

Shields (33)

May not have plus-plus tools across the board, but he takes his fandom very seriously. Maybe a little too seriously. You can use this to your advantage. For instance, challenge him, tell him he can't carry the beer AND the hot dogs AND the nachos AND the soft pretzels back from the snack bar in one trip. You'll never make another concession run again. Warning - may spill nachos on you during some crucial situations from time to time..

Pena (23)

You don't really need the jersey to tell what kinda guy Pena jersey dude is. You can tell by the :)%

Upton (2)

He's a puzzle. A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. He's not exactly quiet, but you still never feel like you'll ever get to know him. Which is sad, because you never cease to marvel at the way he's standing in the aisle one moment, and then in a blink of an eye later, he's past you at his seat in B-4, and yet it hardly looks like he's moved at all. It's like he's a magician.

Iwamura (1)

You will never have a more enjoyable evening doing something with a person you cannot understand that does not involve an exchange of body fluids.And not only is the evening itself enjoyable, the memories age very well.

Myers (9)

Dude bro. Avoid.

Archer (22)

Earnest, eager, and full of what feels like a need to impress you, Archer jersey dude might come off as some weird clingy/cocky combo if he weren't so danged likable. Waffling between confident and insecure, he's the guy who just figured out he doesn't know half of what he does't know. And has a quote about it he'd like to share with you.

Howell (39)

Was minimally talented athletically as a kid, but nevertheless loved sports, especially baseball, and is still convinced that if the good Lord had blessed him with just a modicum of actual talent, he could have made it. Is also kinda neurotic, and really freaked out right now by being out and about in such a big crowd (man, imagine, what it would be like at a real ballpark?). And he really, really, reaaaalllly should have gotten the jersey a few sizes larger. In other words, he is me.