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Rays 3, Angels 7: Trout and Pujols are unstoppable

In which I write the whole goshdang recap ahead of time. Two recaps for the price of one! And the price is zero dollars.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Boy, I sure don't wanna write this recap tonight. I'm tired and I'm going house-hunting tomorrow so I've gotta wake up early, and the game is on the west coast. These are valid concerns and good reasons to not do a thing.

Hmm? What's that, lowly commenters?

Lizzie

Mr. Lizzie has a very good point. This will be a fun but meaningless exercise. Like baseball! We will probably learn nothing about the sport, or about ourselves. I went ahead and wrote most of a recap while not watching the game, and then I went back and watched some stuff I missed. It was only like an inning and a half. I missed very little, honestly. Get off my back.

The Rays were able to get on the board early in the first inning after a line-drive single from Kevin Kiermaier turned into a leadoff triple after Mike Trout dove for the ball and let it skip past him like a freakin’ moron. It’s a wonder anyone keeps him on a major league roster. Longoria singled him in and the Rays started the game 1-0.

This didn’t happen at all. The Rays went quietly in the first inning.

Alex Colome, unlike Mike Trout, started the game off very well. He managed to strike out Trout (Whose name actually rhymes with "Strike Out!" Has anyone noticed this before?!) as he flailed wildly on a pitch nowhere near the strike zone. What a loser. Colome worked a 1-2-3 inning as I sat in my recliner and nodded approvingly, mouth full of midnight macaroni and cheese.

Mike Trout did actually strike out in the first! All of my predictions are correct from this point on!

Colome performed fairly well in the second, losing his perfect game to worst player in baseball Matt Joyce, who hit a double just out of the reach of the hustling KK. No seriously, if you haven’t noticed, Matt Joyce is the worst player in baseball. He has -0.9 WAR, which is worse than anyone in the game right now. But he still got a hit. Good for him.

This didn’t happen. At all. I took a chance with the Matt Joyce guess but it was a reach. Joyce struck out, unfortunately, but not before David Freese took a 3-1 count hard to left field. Rene Rivera threw out a runner to end the inning, though.

Still, the Angels struck first with the "Freese"-ing Rope (wordplay), putting them up 1-0. This means that the game is over and baseball as a sport is dead. I hope I never have to watch another baseball game for the rest of my life.

Nick Franklin hit a grand slam to give the Rays a five-run lead. Boy oh boy he is a treasure to have. Who needs David Price when you have Nick Franklin? This is a reasonable opinion to hold.

Boy I’m not sure why I keep whiffing on these predictions. Nick Franklin popped out to shortstop on the first pitch, bringing his batting average to some negative number. Looks like that’s the end of the inn…

Oh wait another thing happened: a run. Kiermaier doubled with two outs, and good ol’ Joey Bats managed to single up the middle to score him. It’s a miracle that he is a major-league baseball player, and we can all agree that he is better than Casey Kotchman. Longo singled on a hard line drive to left to put RISP again (and almost advanced to second when the left fielder threw the ball to no one in particular). David DeJesus, the best hitter in baseball, almost gave the Rays the lead with a line drive up the middle, but the Angels had him positioned perfectly, ending the inning. Still, tie ballgame! Neat!

Colome ran into a little bit of trouble in the third inning, loading the bases with no outs. Lucky for him though Mike Trout was batting next. The silly Trout swung at a 3-0 pitch and hit into a triple play when he tripped running to first base. What a fool. He is so bad at sport.

Whoops.

Logan Forsythe also bobbled a ball that allowed Matt Joyce to get an AB with two outs. He grounded out into the shift anyway. Welcome to the month of June, Matt.

We still all miss you.

Nick Franklin hit another grand slam. What a man.

AreYouAWizard

Holy crap.

I screenshot (screenshotted? screenshat?) this way before it was done getting recs, by the way. The party didn’t even end when Nick Franklin hit his home run. Rene Rivera walked and KK legged out an infield hit. Joey Butler, the BABIP king, stepped to the plate, but, like Mike Trout, flailed wildly on a breaking pitch low and away. Rays get two but remain down by a single run.

In the fourth, Colome allowed a single but not much else in a quick eight-pitch inning.

In the fourth, Colome allowed a single but not much else in a quick nine-pitch inning. God I am so bad at these predictions.

In the fifth, Colome allowed a single but not much else in a quick eight-pitch inning.

NOPE

Albert Pujols launches a ball into the stands around where Mike Trout did. They are the Bash Brothers. It is hard to pitch to these fellas when they are on, which is most of the time.

Matt Joyce Watch: Matt Joyce grounded out to end the inning again.

The Rays would make some bids for hits in the fifth and sixth innings but they wouldn’t get anyone on base. I quietly wished to myself that I could rewatch episodes of The Office alone in my living room, but my ironclad duty to this site is steadfast and important.

Yep, that’s about right. Everything hard-hit seemed to be hard-hit right at a guy wearing red.

Cash, despite a cruising Colome, would make the ill-fated decision to pull the starter and put in a reliever. Despite the 2 grand slams by Nick Franklin that may or may not have occurred, the bullpen would make a game of it. Ernesto Frieri (probably) came in and allowed two home runs to the number 8 and 9 hitters, putting the Angels to within two runs.

None of this happened. Strangely, Cash left in the struggling Colome who (surprise!) continued to struggle. The number 7 and 8 hitters reached base, but nothing came of it. A sac bunt, lineout, and flyout later, and the Rays were out of the inning. Somehow.

The seventh was even stranger. Rivera led off with a single, but was erased on the basepaths when pinch-hitter Brandon Guyer hit a ground ball right at Pujols for an out. It was an afterthought to throw to second base to tag out the chugging Rivera, who pulled a strange sort of Kelly Shoppach fake out slide a good five feet in front of the bag, that then turned into a western-style standoff until the tag was applied.

Frieri entered in the eighth, allowed a single and a walk, and no other runs. Bellatti entered in the ninth, and allowed a walk and a home run to Albert Pujols. Oh no! But he struck out Mike Trout! Hooray!

The Rays won and Felix Hernandez beat the Yankees to put the Rays in first place in the AL East. Thanks, Felix! We love you!

So the Rays lost the first game of the series against the Angels while Felix Hernandez laid an egg, but as things go it could've been worse. This was likely the most challenging pitching matchup of the series, and if the Rays had to lose one game, it was probably going to be this one.

That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

Roll Call Info
Total comments 197
Total commenters 23
Commenter list Adam Sanford, AndrewTorrez, Ben Tumbling, Brett Phillips, Brian Andersbot, Brickhaus, Danny Russell, Ian Malinowski, Imperialism32, JRTW612, MrWizzle21, Noles95', Passionate Apathy, Rays1118, RazeTheRoof, carl.butler.7311, lizzieray, magicrays, nomo.red.evil, rglass44, tampagator, thedudeofdudes, turntwo21
Story URLs

# Recs Commenter Comment Link
13 turntwo21 Franklin's gonna do something here
6 Brett Phillips You're gonna feel awful silly when Nick Franklin hits a grand slam
5 Ian Malinowski Is "fuck" snide?
5 nomo.red.evil The Rays don't capitalize after anything
4 lizzieray Just write it now.  It would be sort of fun to see how accurate it turned out to be.
3 Ian Malinowski The Louisiana Purchase and the Mexican American War
3 Brett Phillips I pity the poor sap who has to recap tonight
3 MrWizzle21 Cousin or not, you better use a header next time you post, or you will be terminated.
3 Ian Malinowski I'm gonna go right ahead and say that you aint getting any editing tonight.
2 carl.butler.7311 [no title]
2 JRTW612 Of course Felix is getting shit on by the Yankees
2 MrWizzle21 Pot what? Flowers?
2 lizzieray Imagine Molina trying to make that play?
2 JRTW612 Look, can you just let turntwo21 call these things? Thanks
2 Ian Malinowski But it would have been a fantastic punt.
1 Ian Malinowski For the record, I'm changing my position from an earlier debate.
1 Brett Phillips Like yesterday's game?
1 MrWizzle21 Never stopped Noley...
1 Brett Phillips A quick sample
1 JRTW612 Could the Rays petition the league to let them DH for their catcher instead of their pitcher?
1 Danny Russell FUCK THE HAYTAHHHHHHHHS