Let me take you back to 1996: Manhattan Beach, California.
Seminal west coast punk band, The Descendents, hadn't put out an album in almost a decade. When they finally did, the album was called "Everything Sucks", and it had some pretty solid tunes, most memorably "I'm the One" and "When I Get Old". It also featured the popular Descendents cover cartoon character, Milo, reading a newspaper that was headlined by the words "Everything Sucks".
This is basically you, right now, reading this recap. You are Milo. Everything sucks.
It actually started out pretty well. Brandon Guyer lifted Mark Buehrle's very first pitch of the game into center field for a triple, and was eventually knocked in on a two-out Logan Forsythe single to put the Rays up 1-0 in the first.
The Jays quickly answered, however, in the bottom of the frame. After walking Josh Donaldson and allowing a single to Edwin Encarnacion, Matt Andriese hung a curveball outside that Justin Smoak reached out and popped into left field. The ball would bounce once before clearing the fence for an RBI ground rule double. 1-1.
In the top of the third, after a Brandon Guyer hit by pitch, Mike Mahtook punished a Mark Buehrle changeup, launching it over the wall in right center to put the Rays back on the board and on top of the Blue Jays 3-1.
The Rays continued to pile on in the fourth. After back to back singles by Steven Souza and Timmy Beckham, Richie Shaffer lifted a Mark Buehrle cutter deep enough to send Souza home with a sac fly. 4-1 Rays.
And that's it, folks. Stop right there if you're into good news and stuff, because I'm fresh out. Everything else was pretty much a Jonathan Papelbon dugout fight dumpster fire from here on out.
The Jays were well into the Rays bullpen by the sixth inning. Andriese only gave us three frames before handing the ball over to the relief corps. Brandon Gomes was on the hill for the sixth and he really Gomes'd it up. After walking Edwin Encarnacion, Gomes lobbed a fastball just where Justin Smoak wanted it, and boy did he smoak it (I couldn't resist, I'm so sorry). I swear to you, this ball looked like it was headed to the moon before landing in the second deck of the Rogers Centre right field bleachers. 4-3 Rays.
Alex Colome took over for Jake McGee in the eighth, and the results were not what we would have preferred. After Justin Smoak put himself on with a single, he was promptly replaced with Dalton Pompey to pinch run, who immediately stole second base. With Pompey now in scoring position, Alex Colome left an 82 mph cutter up so high it looked like a slow-pitch softball pitch, and Kevin Pillar absolutely punished it. He knocked the ball into left field for a double and sent Pompey across the plate to tie the game 4-4.
With the game tied in the bottom of the ninth, Steve Geltz took the mound for our Rays. With two outs in the frame, Josh Donaldson strode to the plate. See, Josh Donaldson is no Milo. He's not reading a paper. He's making the headlines. With the crowd on its feet, and three walk-off hits already under his belt this season, Josh Donaldson gave the people what they wanted. He took a Steve Geltz slider into the second deck in left field for a walk off homer to give the Blue Jays a 5-4 victory.
The Rays lost today and were swept in ugly fashion this weekend in Toronto.
They now sport a 75-81 record and are officially in last place in the American League East, even below the woeful Boston Red Sox.
We are all Milo.
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