Breaking News: MLB overturns result of first two Rays games, citing interference by Jose Bautista.
MLB shocked the baseball world by announcing today that the end result of the first two Blue Jays games of the season, two consecutive 5-3 losses, will be overturned, vacating the two wins and giving them to their opponents, the Tampa Bay Rays. MLB officials cited as the reason for this unprecedented reversal an undue amount of interference by Jays outfielder and slugger Jose Bautista.
"Upon further review," said one ump, who agreed to discuss the reasoning for the findings on the condition that he remain anonymous, "it became clear that Mr. Bautista made several attempts to change the outcome of the game by--among other things--wagging his bat in front of the plate while hitting, playing right field, and shouting encouragement from the bench. This sort of interaction does not represent the game of major league baseball, and we felt that it was in the best interest of the game to penalize the Blue Jays and Mr. Bautista to prevent any future attempts at unlawful manipulation."
The anonymous source then tried to offer the reporters free copies of his country-western CDs, which were sitting inside the cardboard boxes he appeared to have been using as furniture.
Mr. Bautista could not be reached for comment, as he was busy attempting to knock down overheard airplanes by flipping bats.