We found it! The worst season preview possible for the Tampa Bay Rays

Imagine the worst take you could make about almost every player on the Tampa Bay Rays roster. Write it down, then check below, because chances are it’s already been collected by Sports Illustrated.

As part of its annual MLB preview issue, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED asked scouts to offer their honest—and anonymous—assessment of every club.

This is not a good thing.

It sounds like a great idea, like the exact kind of insight you’d want from veteran voices in the game. But that would have required a filter from SI’s editors, and instead — through the advantage of anonymity — what SI has offered is a jumbled mess of mostly-bad takes.

What’s compiled are essentially bullet points, lumped into a paragraph and separated by ellipses, so we’ll walk through these anonymous quotes one at a time.

Tampa is going to be rough. They're going to have to pitch their brains out....

Where? And how is this different from any other season?

I love Chris Archer. He has ace stuff....

Not insightful, but true. There’s a reason he had more trade value than Chris Sale this off-season.

Alex Cobb is throwing the ball well. It's been a bad stretch for him. He's pitched better than I thought he would this spring coming off the arm injury....

Why did you expect less?

Jake Odorizzi is a good middle-rotation guy. He could be the next guy traded....

Ok?

They're not going to score any runs. Let's put it this way—they're counting on Colby Rasmus, who hit .200 for Houston....

Counting on his defense? Sure, but he’s not hitting second or anything.

There are some rings on Evan Longoria's tree, but he had a very good power year. Can he do that again? For this offense, he'd better....

Why is power the most important thing about Longo? Do we not have other power hitters? Why can’t you say Longo, as a good hitter and a leader, is important?

José De Leon is supposedly really good, but when I saw him, he didn't get anybody out. If he is a bust, that's a giveaway trade. Logan Forsythe was a good hitter and a leader....

Saw him... once? And then Forsythe... All these ellipses... and random quotes...

Kevin Kiermaier is a terrific centerfielder, the energizer bunny of the AL....

He’s the best defender in baseball. It’s ok to say it.

Steven Souza has to have a better year. He hit .240, with power. He's going to have to hit .280, with power....

Souza had a .247 AVG and .163 ISO last season. Only 35 players in all of baseball managed a .280 AVG with a similar ISO or better. There’s being better, and there’s being in the 90th percentile of hitters...

Matt Duffy has to get back to where he was when he came up with the Giants. Playing in Tropicana Field will help....

Why?

Rickie Weeks is a decent veteran with a good bat, but when you put him in the field, you're in trouble....

Have you seen him play first, anonymous voice?

It would be nice if Tim Beckham put it together. Then they could move Brad Miller back to first. Logan Morrison's there for now, but he's not the answer....

Answer to what? The first base platoon in 2017? Are you the same voice that commented on Rickie Weeks?

The Rays are like a mini-Baltimore, but without the closer and their bullpen is dreadful....

ALEX COLOME was one of the FIVE BEST CLOSERS in the AMERICAN LEAGUE, and because he isn’t Zach Britton he’s chopped liver?

Can this club advance above the five hole in this division? I don't think so.

Sweet Jesus Sucre this is aggravating.