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Rays 3, Blue Jays 10: Focusing on the positives

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Close your eyes and pray for an Oakland loss.

MLB: Tampa Bay Rays at Toronto Blue Jays
I’m about as happy about this game as Tommy Pham looks, all the time.
Dan Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

Well this was a big ol’ bummer of a game. But here’s the deal: my doctor told me not to get excited/stressed/sad or my heart will explode into a hundred floppy pieces. In light of that, why don’t we go ahead and focus on the positives for this game. This will keep me from falling into the void, that pit of despair that is September Irrelevancy. Every game in September becomes more important, as the margin of error shrinks and shrinks to an almost imperceptible, razor-thin...

whoop there I go again being all existential about baseball. But how can you not be existential about baseball? Here are some good things that happened tonight, things that we all will be able to relate to.

Positive thing #1: Kevin Kiermaier flexes on ‘em

Remember when Kevin Kiermaier was on the disabled list? Remember the few months before that when he was one of the worst hitters in baseball. Although we are later in the year, it’s nice to see the center field extraordinaire start to wake up offensively. And although it was in a losing effort, Kiermaier was by far the most impressive offensive player in Rogers Centre this lovely Canadian night, swatting a pair of home runs to form the bulk of the Rays’ points on the board.

We love it! And don’t bother looking at that scoreboard. Just shield your eyes from that part of tonight’s game. We are focusing on the positives. Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it

Positive thing #2: Nick Ciuffo’s officially a big leaguer

Remember Nick Ciuffo? The former Rays catcher of the future? Ciuffo (pronounced “Shoe-foe,” in case you didn’t notice) hammered a line drive up the middle that glanced off of Aaron Sanchez, who definitely pitched a baseball game but we are not going to focus on assigning value judgments on that particular baseball player tonight.

Seeing major league players get their first hit is always so pure. I want to bottle that up and sell it to supermarkets for $3.59 a bottle. If I call it “alkaline” I can probably milk another buck out of people.

Positive thing #3: Tyler Glasnow is really tall

Oh mannnnn have you seen this guy? He is sooo tall!

Poll

Do you think Tyler Glasnow is tall?

  • 80%
    Heck yes!
    (63 votes)
  • 19%
    No, I am a liar.
    (15 votes)
78 votes total Vote Now

Glasnow can probably touch the top of a parking garage without even jumping. Dude’s a baller. I’m not even going to think about how this tall boi couldn’t make it out of the first inning, and allowed seven runs on five hits (and two walks). This would be counterproductive to the whole point of this positive thinking exercise. Is it even worth thinking about how Glasnow threw 39 pitches, and couldn’t seem to find the strike zone with Google Maps? Why bother? We’re totally fine over here.

Positive thing #4: The Earth won’t even be here in 7.5 billion years

Look, I think Earth is ending way before this time frame, but the absolute expiration date on this particular blue marble will run out once the Sun expands into a big ol’ honking red giant, gobbling up the only planet we’ve even set foot on like lasagna by a hungry Garfield.

Pictured: Ybor Stadium 7.5 million years from now (formally known as Publix Field)

If you take the long view—and I mean the really long view, the fact that the Rays allowed 16 hits to a Blue Jays team 14 games below .500 stings a whole lot less.

Positive thing #5: You can use a much more popular Twitter account to support your own personal brand if you incestuously retweet yourself

This is by no means a craven and naked attempt to support your own personal brand and collect likes, which—despite your best efforts—do not pay your rent. If your moral compass always points north, you can do whatever you like.

The Rays now sit at a lowly 11 games over .500. Tomorrow the Rays are off. Hopefully Tyler Glasgow can get some much needed rest and think about how tall he is. At the end of the day, no one can take that away from him.