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Hot takes and fever dreams for 2019 and beyond

I will no doubt regret this article.

MLB: Spring Training-Philadelphia Phillies at Tampa Bay Rays Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports

I woke up this morning feeling fine, but then halfway through getting ready for work I got hit with what feels like the flu. It’s a weird feeling, when you are consciously aware of yourself getting sick, but you can’t do anything to stop it, and really you don’t think you would if you could because that would take waaaaaaay too much energy and right now every cell is consumed with telling you oh my gosh you need to lie down you need to lie down, you’re gonna die if you don’t lie down RIGHT NOW why are you still pretending like you’re gonna go to work, lie down you idiot.

And so you lie down and you wait for Robert Redford to show up like he does to that old lady in the Twilight Zone episode when he’s Death but he still looks like young hot Robert Redford and he keeps telling her he isn’t Death so of course she believes him because he’s young and innocent and smokin’ hot Robert Redford (why would Robert Redford lie to me???) and then it turns out that he really is Death, but he’s a nice Mr. Death, because of course he is he’s Robert Redford. And you also spend the day thinking on autopilot about baseball and other random nonsense, and then around noon you write it all down and wonder if Danny will let you publish it, and you kind of hope he doesn’t and he’ll save you from yourself but he probably won’t [Editor’s Note: I did, obviously].


Here are twenty-five things I think:

1. I think the new Trop turf looks great and if it stays looking that way on TV, it could improve attendance all by itself by, like, a couple hundred people per night.

It’s green for St. Patrick’s Day!

2. I think Brandon Lowe is for real.

3. I think Yandy Diaz will be fine even if we don’t “fix” his swing to allow him to lift the ball more often, but I also think maybe we did fix him I mean did you see that absolute BOMB to left he hit and the way he pulled his hands in to drive that inside pitch what if he does this all the time now we are definitely winning the World Series.

4. I think Matt Duffy is permabroke, which makes me simultaneously sad for him and angry at the RFO for not realizing it and cutting the rope by now.

5. I think 1933s “Gabriel Over the White House” should be required viewing and that the following description of the movie from the Library of Congress is the best two sentence review ever written: “The good news: He reduces unemployment, lifts the country out of the Depression, battles gangsters and Congress, and brings about world peace. The bad news: He’s Mussolini.”

6. I think Jake Faria will be back soon.

7. I think they never would have sent him down to begin with if he’d just grown the handlebar mustache like I told him to.

Photo by Brian Blanco/Getty Images, mustache by Dom

8. I think porcelain and tile are perfect for bathrooms not just because they are easy to clean up but because they give ample cool spaces to lay your head.

9. I think my daughter “borrowed” my Star Wars OG trilogy DVD collection which I really need to watch today.

10. I think Willy Adames is gonna be a star on the field but a superstar off of it, and the Rays and MLB need to market the snot out of guys like him.

11. I think Tommy Pham can say whatever the heck he wants as long as he keeps hitting the ball.

12. I think all the new rules they’ve floated are either good or harmless except for the stupid ban the shift and that starting extra innings with a man on second thing.

13. I think spoilers are “actually good,” and I will fight you over them (metaphorically, 280 characters at a time). [Editor’s Note: No they aren’t. I have already threatened to fire Nomo for spoilers, and am not afraid to follow through. Then again, who hasn’t read the wikipedia plot summary for that horror movie there’s no way you’d actually go see]

14. Also and yet, I think people who spoil movies for other people are assholes who are kin to announcers who revel in talking about no-hitters in progress because they are sooooooo edgy. [Editor’s Note: *nods sagely*]

15. I think I have a problem with italics and run on sentences and could maybe use a grammar intervention but also I don’t care what you think about my grammar, this is all about style. {Editor’s Note: I feel complicit in this nonsense]

16. I think they should bring back making pitchers throw the ball on intentional walks because, a) it messes up the flow of the on deck hitter and 2) baseball is worse for having a couple fewer bizarre plays that almost never happen, like the IBBWP or the IBB dinger.

17. I think Kevin Kiermaier hurts his toe this time.

18. I think Austin Meadows is a ROY front runner.

19. I think in two years, when 80% of the league is using Openers, the Rays will have a traditional rotation of Snell, Glasnow, Honeywell, McKay, and Liberatore.

20. I think ginger ale is the best medicine. [Editor’s Note: I hope you mean the real stuff, and not that high fructose corn syrup with ginger natural flavor]

21. I love Jordan Peele, but I expect the new Twlilight Zone to be disappointing and that bums me out.

22. I think D-Rob is the starting second baseman by mid-season, mostly because I got a Wendle shirtsy for Christmas.

23. I think the Bowling Green Hot Rods have one of the best milb marketing teams out there, and I can’t wait to get a Sinkhole cap.

24. I think the Rays are in a new park before the Trop lease expires, and I think that new park is in St. Pete. As a result, I think attendance eventually improves to the point the Rays are in the top twenty, after which somebody else will be “an embarrassment” for finishing last in attendance.

25. The Rays will be good in 2019.

(We love these comics)


Which of the three aliens will you be in 2019?

This poll is closed

  • 51%
    Undeserved Pride
    (46 votes)
  • 17%
    (16 votes)
  • 30%
    (27 votes)
89 votes total Vote Now

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink some more ginger ale and NOT watch Star Wars, Anissa. Ah well, at least there is Classic Twilight Zone.